I've done nothing...

About a month ago I was all gung-ho about getting into shape. I've done nothing. Not only have I done nothing, my pants are getting too small. I bought tons of pants like 6 months ago and now only half are fitting. I think my lack of dating is killing my motivation for looking good. I don't date, I have no one to impress, so I just don't care.

This is not a good attitude to have. I should be trying to get into shape for me, but let's be honest, fitting into that hot little outfit is only a motivation if you have somewhere to wear that hot little outfit. Over the last few months I've felt like a big reject no one wants and looking hot only makes me feel worse. At least when I look like crap I can tell myself that's why I'm alone... HAHA.

Well... this is just lame. I know I have no time to exercise, but I also know if it becomes important to me I will make the time. *sigh*

What can I do to find some motivation for eating right and getting healthy?

So... Here's What Happened...

Feb. 2010

Clear back in February I was at work at a dinner theater we were hosting. I was talking to the husband of one of my coworkers. He's a personal trainer. I told him how I really wanted to lose a pant size because I have like 25 pair of size 10 pants and I'm now in a 12. After talking to me for a long time all about eating right, exercise, confidence in looks, etc. he said his suggestion to me was to just go buy a bunch of size 12 pants. He said I was confident in how I look and if the ONLY reason I wanted to drop a size was to fit into a bunch of pants that I wouldn't succeed because that isn't enough motivation. He was right. I like my looks. I like my curves. A size 12 is still a lot smaller than I've been in the past and it's a good steady size for me. I bought a bunch of size 12 pants and was as happy as a clam... I hear clams are pretty happy.

Let's fast forward to today. I think I've put on a little... nothing major. All my size 12s are fitting pretty nicely. I'm still happy with how I look AND THEN... I had to get an exam for my new life insurance policy and the lady took my weight. 190 FREAKIN' POUNDS!!! What the ??? I'm only 5'2! I'm the same pant size and pretty close to the same measurements as I was at 165-172 lbs. I wanted to throw the scale. So anyways... I'm dusting off this old blog *aaaahhhh choooo* and gonna see what I can do to lose a little of something or another. Here are a few current pics...





*sigh* Gym and salads here I come...

:(

I don't want to work out this week.

I think it's because I don't like my haircut so I have to straighten my hair every day, which means I don't want to get my hair wet every day so that I can just straighten it every other day and if I work up a sweat I'll have to wash my hair.

BLAH

Freakin' Out

I think I have date tomorrow and now I'm freaking out! I've been working out 20 minutes every single day, but now I'm wishing I'd been doing 30 or 60 LOL Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least I know he likes curvy girls.

Hello!

Hi everyone or anyone that might actually still read this blog :) I've had one thing after another go wrong over the last month, but the crappiest thing is that my computer is broken and not fixable so blogging here will be sporadic until the first of August.

I think I did lose an inch on my waist over the last week with the flu. All that hacking and coughing is a good ab work-out, I guess.

I can't wait until I can get back in the swing of things in blogland. Hope you're all doing well!

Stress...

Stress and more stress! That's what I'm feeling all day every day! How am I supposed to lose weight or exercise or have the desire to eat healthy when I'm SO SO STRESSED!!!

I tried to pack my scale away today, but it wouldn't fit in the box I was working on. LOL Every time I walk into my room I see that dang pink scale and it haunts me and I'm not even the type of person that weighs myself, ever. I'm more a measurements gal, but just seeing the scale reminds me of how much I'm slacking. I had been doing really good at squeezing in 20-30 minutes of exercise a day and then last Thursday I had a really, really bad day, some crap happened and the depression hit and it threw me off my exercise groove. It's been a week now and although I've had more ups than downs the last couple of days I still haven't gotten back on track. It's time to recommit. I know I can squeeze in 20 minutes a day. I was doing so good. Time to do good again. I have been making a few good choices food-wise, but I'm still slacking. I can do better, I know it!!!

Eating Out

I've eaten out four times this week! Four! It was my birthday on Wednesday, so we did lunch then and on Thursday I went out with family that's in town. Friday and today I worked all day and night so I ate out a meal for each of those. No wonder why I'm feeling extra fat. Other than the eating out I've been making healthier choices, but restaurant food... bleh

I SUCK!

I have the hugest headache. I'm sure it's because I'm just not being healthy :( I keep thinking in my head ok... I'm gonna do it. no more junk, I'm gonna start working out and then I just don't. I love to bake and I bake something fattening. I tell myself I'm too tired to work out or they have yummy treats at work that I can't resist. I'm sad because I'm putting on so much weight and yet I'm not doing anything about it.

I think so much of it is feeling soooo stressed out and knowing when I'm stressed I don't lose weight. But even being stressed, if I was eating right and exercising, I'd at least be maintaining instead of gaining, so I know it's totally my fault. I just can't seem to find the desire or the will power. I know it's part of depression, but being aware you'd think I could/would do something about it!

I feel like when I'm depressed then food and not exercising makes me happy. So why take away the things that are making me happy? And YES I know that is so totally wrong and messed up in my head, because I'm really not happy because I'm getting fatter. I think my tummy is at it's biggest ever right now (besides when I was pregnant...LOL).

What can I do to gain motivation?

Thanks

Thanks for the encouraging comments yesterday. My hubby has the attitude that he should always be honest and who cares who's hurt. If your feelings are hurt it means you're weak. Now for a woman who has always struggled with depression and self esteem problems, it's hard for me to deal with this. I don't find it motivating to have someone tell me I'm gonna get fatter if I eat something unhealthy or that I look like I need to exercise. Believe me, I've learned to not ask if something makes me look fat. I know these things already. I know I'm fat. I know I don't always eat healthy and I know I'm a stress eater. I don't like hearing it from someone I love. Most of you know I've only been remarried for a little over a year. I have put on weight since then. I'm very stressed out and depressed.

I KNOW that I only lose weight when I'm happy. When I have someone putting me down, no matter how well-meaning that put down is supposed to be, I just don't lose weight. I get sad. I'm unmotivated. I cry and eat instead of working out. He knows that it hurts me, and he sees me cry when he says hurtful things, but he's of the attitude that if you don't like it then leave. Anyways... thanks to all my friends here. I love you guys!

Slacker

I haven't posted here for a while. What a slacker I am.

I hadn't seen my hubby in over two months and he came into town on Sunday night. I've been a little (ok, a lot) sad because I know I've put on a bit on my waist since the last time I've seen him. Normal husbands wouldn't care or wouldn't notice, but I knew mine would be disappointed in me.

Monday morning when I was getting dressed he looked at me and said, "You should exercise with me." Well... there went my self esteem for the day. After I got dressed I was like, do I look like crap? He said, "I never said you look like crap, just that you need to exercise so your clothes won't be too small." Gotta love it.

My Weight Struggle Story

Over at The American Homemaker I'm participating in the Ultimate Blog Party so I figured why not here too?

My name is Angie and I'm fat! (hi, angie) I'm been a bit of a slacker at eating healthy and exercising the last few months and what better motivation than knowing LOTS of people will be on my blog this week? I guess I better get crackin' LOL

So a little about me and my weight-loss saga... I spent years (Since I was 18 and had my first baby) hating how I looked, I tried eating healthy, killing myself with insane exersise, working with my doctor and nothing worked. I was severely depressed and my body would just not lose weight...


And then after my divorce in July 2007 I went from a size 16-18 to a size 10!!! I was happy, I was confidant, I was avoiding all sweets and drinking only water. I was doing moderate exercise. I felt great!!!

When I was remarried in January of '08 I got the birth control shot and a heck of a lot of stress added to my life! My weight/inches slowly came back. Here I am a year later...


Ok... I don't always have a cookie in my mouth, but I haven't taken a full body picture of myself since November. I'm a tight size 12 and trying to find time in an EXTREMELY hectic schedule to work out and trying to eat healthy while still keeping up with my love for baking, cooking and creating new recipes. Some weeks I do great and some I'm happy if I survived :)

Welcome to The American Homemaker's Healthy Me!

And don't forget to stop over at Meaningful Days and say hello to Chrissy who is also a contributor here.

1 AM Workout :)

It's so funny Chrissy posted about stress eating this week. I've been super busy and hadn't even checked this blog since I last posted. I had a stressful night tonight, fighting with my hubby. My first reaction was too eat. Never mind it was after midnight, I really started craving a bowl of Captain Crunch (cereal is one of my biggest comfort foods).

But instead I kicked butt! I did a 20 minute work-out with my music cranked up! So here it is almost 1 in the morning and I just got done exercising. I feel great :)

I downloaded some of my favorite music earlier and listening to it is great. Another thing I think is funny Chrissy posted about is her fasting. I've been on a music fast of sorts. I haven't turned on the radio in my car or house for about three weeks. I've enjoyed the silence as I drive to and from work each day. It's a 20-30 minute drive each way and I do it 1-2 times a day. So I've had a lot of quiet alone time. It's fabulous. But tonight I felt like I needed a stress reliever.

I'll probably still leave the radio off in the car, but tonight I've been rockin' out to the White Stripes, the Flobots, Avril Lavigne, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, the Plain White T's and Loggins and Messina... LOL Yes... I have a very random taste in music! Depending on my mood you'll hear everything at my house from Metallica to Broadway to Country to Alternative! My kids have learned to have the same random tastes. They'll have their mp3 players on and be singing along to Bon Jovi or Guns n Roses... he he he

anyways... I'm supposing I should meander my way to bed... I still haven't been sleeping super well. Too much going on, I guess.

Slacker

Yes, I am a slacker :(

Although yesterday when we went out to eat I desperately wanted a burger and fries... but instead I ordered a chicken/steak/steamed veggies bowl with brown rice since I had eaten nachos and chocolate cake the night before. I thought I better not blow it too much two days in a row.

Last night for dinner I had a turkey and swiss on whole wheat and some bbq beans. Not too bad yesterday.

I'm so sad that my clothes are getting too small for me. I really need to start losing again. It's depressing how big the pile of clothes is that I can no longer squeeze into. I haven't seen my hubby since the first of January and he's gonna be very disappointed when he sees me in three weeks and realizes how fat I am.

For anyone who's curious, the dvd I'm doing is called 10 Minute Solution... Dance Off Fat Fast. And I swear the girl is a stripper... LOL So, not only will I learn to stripper dance in the "flirty fat burner" segment, I'll be skinny too! Won't my hubby be happy :) ha ha ha... if only I wasn't completely uncoordinated and stuffing my face with nachos!

Weekly Report

Well... I can't seem to post on here more than once a week anymore. Once I'm done with the play I'm directing I'll be back in full force :)

Seriously I should be working on play stuff right now, but oh well!

As I've checked out the blogs in my blog list today, everyone seems to be doing really well. Not me. I'm slacking. I'm stressed out and crazy.

The only way I'm even finding time to do crafts and other things that relax me is I'm giving up on a couple of hours of sleep each night. Which is also not good. Since my painful work-out a week or however long ago it was (I lose track of my days) I haven't tried again. It hurt way too bad and not in a good way. My eating hasn't been extremely bad, but it hasn't necessarily been healthy either. I ate a lot of chocolate covered strawberries yesterday. Hey they're fruit, right? And I did use a high quality dark chocolate to make them, so that counts for something. ha ha ha just kidding.... I can feel the inches added on... LOL I'm making a goal to measure myself tomorrow. I need that accountability to help me along. Anyways... I'm rambling and not really saying anything, but I'm hoping to get back on track soon!

New Week, New Start and A Couple of Bubbles Burst

Yesterdays food:
bowl of cheerios w/skim milk
banana
big bowl of minestrone soup
2 slices french bread
smores...lol
water

Bubble #1- I was mentioning to my hubby that I did great all week, but blew it on the weekend. I was feeling pretty good about the week overall until my hubby said, "If you blow it on the weekend you ruin everything you did all week. You probably did more damage than if you just wouldn't have tried at all." *POP* So then I felt like crap. Thanks hubby :(


Bubble #2- So, my morning today has been insanely crazy. But a food highlight of it was when I got up to make french toast for my kids. They love french toast and I rarely make it. I used whole wheat bread of course, which isn't as good as white, but healthier. It's been months since I've made french toast so I thought they'd be all excited. My daughter walks in the kitchen, "Nikee (her dads' girlfriend) made french toast for dinner last night with french bread and homemade syrup that was the best I've ever had." *POP* Well... I pretty much wanted to throw my french toast out the window. So much for doing something nice for my kids. And Nikee probably used my recipe for the stupid homemade syrup because I know Matt has it in a cookbook I made.

Anyways.... This week I'm gonna try and do good all week, even on the weekend.

Brave or Crazy?

I'm directing a children's play at my kids school. There are 50 kids in it. I send emails to the parents all the time and I have my American Homemaker blog link in the signature, which means lots of parents at our school can easily find their way here to my list of measurements and weight. (Welcome school parents!) I was told by a nice (and skinny) mom today that I'm really brave to post my measurements and weight. So I ask, is it brave or stupid? Should I advertise what I weigh to everyone I know?

I also had someone tell me today I look like I'm getting skinny. Is it just because they saw my weight-loss blog and they want me to feel good?

I'm obviously not going to stop posting my weight. I truly think there is no greater motivator than knowing everyone I know sees if I succeed of fail, but it's just something I was thinking about. I had a friend that stopped donating plasma because my ex got a part-time job there as a phlebotomist and she didn't want someone she knew to know her weight. She lost out on extra grocery money and hello, it's not like his wife was a size 2! Anyways... I'm just rambling now.

Hope everyone is having a good week so far! I'm doing ok. I had blueberries, mushrooms and squash today. I've eaten other things too, but I'm proud of myself for sticking to my goal of eating more fresh fruits and veggies. I've slacked at the sleep thing. I DESPERATELY want more sleep, but my schedule is so hectic I just haven't been able to make it happen. But tonight I am determined!!! to get to bed by 11pm. Working out. Hhmmm.... yeah..... honestly I don't have any desire at all to exercise. Sad but true. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted every day and I think if I tried to fit in exercise I'd start crying. I'm not even joking.

Today:
1 egg
1 slice whole wheat toast
blueberries
2 granola bars
string cheese
stroganoff
mushrooms
squash
water

We won't even talk about yesterdays 1/4lb polish dog, coke and frozen yogurt I had at Costco :(

Weekend Update

I've been kinda off on my eating (and my blogging). I got into a minor car accident on Friday and it's been crazy ever since. I haven't been eating too bad. I've avoided pop even though I've been dying for it, but my meals haven't been that great. I'm hoping to get back on track tomorrow.

Yuck

My fridge is always full... I shop every two weeks (pay day) and buy a lot of food. My kids take lunches to school every day, so I have to have food for all three meals. Pay day was last Thursday. My paycheck was a lot less than usual because of the time I took off at Christmas. I only worked 13 hrs the week of Christmas (I usually work 30). Besides having a small pay check, my kids are all doing the spring plays at school and I have to pay $150 today for them to join. So... there went the little bit of grocery money I would have had. We have a food storage and freezer food, but it's the fresh stuff that is gone. Mostly what's left are random little bits from Christmastime. No wonder I'm having a hard time eating healthy... LOL and no wonder why I've felt sluggish and tired for the last couple of weeks. We're all living off carbs and proteins. There are some carrots in there so I'm totally cooking them up today! My fridge is never empty, so I've never noticed how gross it is. Time to clean the fridge!!! Yuck!


I keep a list on my fridge for everyone to write the things we're out of. It cracked me up today when I saw snacks, lunch stuff and Food 4 Fridge! My kids are not loving the empty fridge either... LOL


So, this week I will bleach out my fridge and we'll all be counting down the days until next pay day :)

So far this year...

I haven't been doing that great. I haven't been to bed before 11pm yet this year. I haven't been avoiding junk food like I should and I haven't worked out yet this week. I'm slacking. I just don't feel motivated... AT ALL. I'm not really sure how to get past this slump.

Dream Analysis

Shiloah gave me a tip to check out what the dream means. The really interesting thing is yesterday I was sad. I don't know why, I was just extremely sad. I didn't want to go home after work yesterday and just wandered around stores to avoid it. I don't know what set it off, but being so sad yesterday, it would only make sense that my sleep wouldn't be restful. But anyways, according to The Curious Dreamer here
are a few highlights of what my dream could mean.

Trying to avoid an undesirable situation or person can represent avoiding, or wanting to avoid, something in real life. For example, avoiding a friend in a dream may mean you are afraid they will ask you for something you don't want to give, or other unwanted situation. For more clues, consider the meaning of whatever you are avoiding.

Avoiding someone with ill intent towards you could mean you're feeling manipulated, taken advantage of, or threatened (physically, mentally, emotionally) in real life—or you're afraid of it happening.

Escaping or running away from an undesirable situation can represent the feeling of escaping, or a need to escape, from something in real life. For example, escaping from a jail when you have been falsely accused could mean you're feeling falsely accused in real life.

Dreaming that you're hiding can mean you feel the need for self-protection.

Escaping from someone with ill intent towards you could mean you're feeling manipulated, taken advantage of, or threatened (physically, mentally, emotionally) in real life—or you're afraid of it happening.

vampire

* Someone or something that you feel wants to take advantage of you or take something from you, such as your time, energy, effort, attention, personal space, or integrity—consider who or what is trying to take from you without giving back
* Greedy or self-serving
* Controlling or possessing

A cell phone or other personal communication device can represent communication—especially personal communication, since it is usually owned and used by only one person.

Calling someone can represent an actual recent interaction with that person or a desire to communicate with that person.

Calling for help (for example, 911) can represent a desire for support, or a feeling of victimization, and it can sometimes represent a call for spiritual help.

A familiar character from a book, movie, TV show, play, etc. might represent the characteristics you attribute to that person. For example, if you dream about Harry Potter, whom you consider courageous, he might represent courage. This could mean you are admiring courage or wishing you had more of it, or you've experienced in somehow in your life recently, etc. A famous character can also represent fame or celebrity, or the actor themselves, or you may be dreaming about them because something reminded you of them lately.

For clues about what the person represents, consider what they mean or signify to you in real life. Also consider their characteristics or qualities that stand out in the dream, what they're doing and how, and your emotional reaction to their presence.

being rescued

* Feeling that you need help or need to be rescued—physically, mentally or emotionally
* Receiving good will or support from others—perhaps because this has happened recently, or you wish it would
* The idea of letting others rescue you or clean up your messes too often
* The idea that you could benefit by being more open to help from others

Consider who is rescuing whom, and the possible parallels with your feelings about your real life right now.

I thought this was very interesting... I can see some of it being very true. Just thought I'd share :)